Waiting for Sadie...

I just don't get online often enough. Can't believe my last post was before we moved!

We live in a nice & cozy 2 bdrm apartment now, and I'm working on getting Sadie's room ready for her arrival. Her Aunt Ruthann bought a beautiful crib for her, which I put together the day it was delivered. That was quite a feat! I'm glad it was as long ago as it was--I can't imagine trying to do it now, with this huge belly! I'll be 37 weeks in a couple of days, which apparently is considered 'term'. In some ways, I am more than ready for her, but in other ways, I'm not sure if I will ever truly be ready. I am so afraid. Afraid I can't give her the life she deserves...afraid she will grow up not knowing how amazing she is...afraid she will have voids in her life that she will try to fill up with people and things that will hurt her.

I think I'm ready for the birth part, though. I've been to a few classes and read several books...I know (as people LOVE to tell me) those things can't truly prepare me for the experience, but I feel better prepared just having knowledge. I'm less fearful, anyway. I know many things to expect and I have an idea of what kind of birth plan I want, provided I have a say in it. I'm growing more anxious every day to meet her and to hold her, though I know I will miss having her inside me. We will never again have the kind of closeness we have now. I know her. And she knows me. How amazing is that?

I'm hoping to paint the nursery in the next couple of weeks. Is this nesting? :)

Oh, and her full name is still up in the air--apparently daddy doesn't like Faye. I only thought of the name because it was his mother's middle name, so if he doesn't want it, I guess I can deal with that. I just want whatever name we choose for her middle name to be one we both like. He has finally stopped fighting me on the first name, and we've decided to give her his last name. So Sadie Hughes is what we have so far.

Isn't she beautiful??

"Missing" by Evanescence

This song has been on my mind lately...it's such a sad one!

Please, please, forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
"Isn't something missing??

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please, forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Brief Life Update

I haven't written much of anything lately...here or elsewhere. Not sure why. Life is going along as it typically does...some ups, some downs. The best news is that my little one is growing like a weed. She is 22 weeks now, and as far as I know, progressing normally. We found out about 2 1/2 weeks ago that we're having a little girl! I couldn't be happier. I've decided to name her Sadie Faye. She is due November 14, though I hope she comes a little earlier so that my Christmas break comes after my maternity leave runs out. I wish I didn't have to go back to work at all--I hate the idea of someone else raising my little girl during the day. We'll be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment in a couple of weeks so she will have a room...lots to do between now and then.

I still wonder daily if Andrai loves me and if he does, why he doesn't show it like he did when our love was new (all of a year ago!)...I may never be able to really know what he's thinking or feeling. Not sure how long I can go on feeling the way I do. It hurts to think that I love him far more than he will ever love me. For a while I couldn't help but think it was me, but I'm starting to believe that it's him. I'm not sure about his capacity to love. They always say you can't love another until you love yourself, and he hates himself. That doesn't bode well for me. :)

Well, I'm off to pack some more!

The heart is beating!

On Wednesday, we got to see and hear our baby's heartbeat. It was amazing. I couldn't stop crying. The little one is younger than they had anticipated, however, so we will be back for another ultrasound on April 23. By then, the doctor should be able to make out the head &etc., and come up with a more reliable due date. So far I've heard anywhere from November 18-23. A birthday present for my dad :)

I've been feeling very sick the past few weeks, and I've been losing weight. The doctor said that's pretty common early in the pregnancy, but I still worry about my baby getting enough nutrients.

I'm tired. More later, perhaps.

News

This week, I discovered that I am pregnant again. I have been waiting and hoping for this to happen ever since November, when I lost my first pregnancy; however, now that it's here, I find myself lost somewhere between disbelief and fear. It's hard to believe that it's for real, as I'm not feeling very pregnant. But three tests told me that I am, including the one at the doctor. And knowing that I am growing a baby inside me fills me with the fear that whatever happened last time, will happen again. What if I'm not able to grow and carry a child to term? I'm afraid to get too excited or too attached to the idea. At the same time, I want to tell everyone I know and start planning for the life-changing event of having a child.

My first appointment is April 7, which is in 18 days. This is when I'll know whether things are progressing normally or not. I know making it 8 weeks doesn't mean I'm out of the woods, but it will make me feel better about the whole thing, since my last 8 week appointment was when my doctor first knew something was very wrong.

Wish me luck!

Just a number?

This week I turned 35. It feels weird to say that. How did I become a middle-aged woman without ever feeling like a grown up? Andrai took me to dinner for my birthday and we were talking about age. I asked him, as he has a daughter who is about to turn 18, if he feels like a grown up yet. He said he does, but that he doesn't feel his age; he feels like he's in his 20's. I guess what they say is true--age really is just a number.

As for my relationship, we're still hanging on...though sometimes it feels like its by a very thin thread. On a couple of occasions (this morning being one of them) he held me tightly as he cried on my shoulder, but he won't tell me what is causing him so much pain. I'd like to think it has something to do with betraying my love for him, because that would mean that he really does love me and is genuinely sorry for what he's been doing. Or at the very least, that he's conflicted about it. I think he never expected to feel about anyone the way he feels about me, and that he can't get out of the life he has been so accustomed to living all these years. Even though I have much more proof than I need that he hasn't been faithful to me, I keep holding on, hoping for the day when he makes his decision to be with just me...the only woman who has ever shown him unconditional love.

I'm 35, and perhaps none the wiser. But maybe wisdom and love don't mix well.

Missing New York

It's a rainy day here in Southern California...and I miss New York so much. I long to wander some random quiet street amongst the brownstones, the Duane Reades, the pizza & bagel shops...I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get to a place in my life where I am able to move out there. I keep making myself little promises that I know in my heart I can't keep--when Terry breaks up with me, I'll move to NY...when I quit teaching...when my nephews are a bit older...but all of those things happened, and I'm still here. I think what it comes down to is, I'm afraid. I fear I won't be able to make it and will have to come back with my tail between my legs.

I saw my NY friend, Eric, online today and told him I missed NYC and asked him to 'talk NY' to me...he said, "Fuck off!"

God, I miss that city!