Blue Christmas

Things have been better between us lately. I don't know if anything has changed, as far as his wandering eye, but he's been making sure I know that he loves me, and that's something I've been needing from him.

Sometimes women who choose to forgive infidelity are made to feel weak and powerless. But I think to give up is far too easy a solution to the problem. Loving someone is so much bigger than being there when things are going well...to still be there for that person after he/she has hurt you or let you down shows more about what love is.

He is leaving on Monday for Texas to be with his family for the holidays. I am going to miss him so much, and Christmas is going to be really hard for me with him gone, but I am also certain that we both need this time apart. He needs to remember how it felt in the summer, when we were apart for several weeks and all we wanted in the world was to hold each other again...and I need to remember how to be okay without having him right here with me.

...and then, he needs to come back home to me.

Love stinks

I don't know how I got here. I guess just the constant momentum of life? I was too comfortable to see it coming? Too terrified of what it would mean if I admitted to knowing it's true? Doesn't really matter, I guess. I'm here. And I don't know what to do. I know what people who love me would tell me to do, but I don't want to do it. I have seen evidence that either he is cheating on me or he's planning to cheat on me in the near future. I was not supposed to see this evidence (or was I?) so I feel like I can't bring it up, but more than that, I can see where that conversation would lead and it's the last thing I want. Why am I holding on so tightly to a relationship that he clearly doesn't want? Why won't he just be a man and be honest with me about what he is doing? Long before we were in an exclusive relationship, we had a conversation about this very thing. I told him that if he ever gets to the point where he wants to be with another woman or doesn't want to be with me anymore, to please just tell me the truth and go be with whoever. I don't want to be the idiot who is sitting at home, believing things are fine when they aren't. And he agreed to it. I wonder just how many of the things he has promised me have been lies? And I wonder when it was that he stopped loving me the way I know he once did. Was it something about me or something I did? Or is he just incapable or unwilling to commit to one woman?

We've been sitting here all morning in the same room for that past 3 1/2 hours, barely even speaking. To each other, that is. He's been texting God-knows-who the entire time.

I feel like I'm getting what I deserve. I was the other woman in Terry and Danielle's relationship for 8 years. I was the one he would call every time he went on an errand and the reason he would get up an extra hour early for work, so he could see me. I helped put Danielle in the position of knowing her husband was cheating but not wanting to admit it because admitting it would have forced her to do something about it.

Andrai tells me I'm a great girl and that I deserve better than him. That I deserve someone who can give me what I need, and who won't treat me the way he does. I now see these comments as his way of getting me to cut him loose so he doesn't have to be the one who breaks my heart. What he doesn't seem to understand is, it doesn't matter who does the leaving--it will still be my heart that breaks. I have given him every part of me, laid myself completely open to him. I was ready to break any ties he needed me to break and to spend the rest of my life being exactly what he needed. Why did he let it get to this point if he never intended to take it to the same place he knows I'm headed?

I am a middle-aged woman. I know that if he leaves, I will be alone. I will never have another chance to be a mother. All of my hopes for the future will die with this relationship. And despite the way he is treating me and our relationship, I still love him with all of my heart. I am desperate to find the love he once felt for me. He knows how much I love him, and he has told me on several occasions that he has never met another woman who is so kind and who shows him so much love and treats him the way I do. So I guess I'm just hoping that he will get whatever this is out of his system and see that what he has with me is worth saving. If that makes me a fool, then call me foolish, but I'm still not going anywhere.

Uncertainty

Andrai came to visit me this evening and we had dinner together. It feels like we're just getting to know each other again, though we already know each other inside and out. And maybe that's what we need right now...to back up a bit and remember what it was like when our love was new. Why do people end up taking each other for granted?

When we first found out we were having a baby, he was very concerned with the timing and talked about how he wished we were in a different place--more money, bigger home, married--so when we lost the baby, I worried that he might be feeling relieved...not that he was happy about it, but that it worked out for the best this way, and I was afraid that he wouldn't want to try again. I still don't know exactly what he wants, but more than anything, I want to be a mother. Motherhood was given to me for a moment, then stolen away. And I want it back.

He loves me more when we're apart.

Lately, things have been falling apart. As I mourn the loss of my baby, all I have to hold on to is my relationship. I look to my boyfriend for strength and support and love...and he hasn't been up to the challenge of it all. He has decided to move out. He says he has things he has to take care of which require him to spend most of his time away from me, and rather than to continue to hurt me each time he leaves, he thinks its better if he was away for a while. And I'm not handling it very well. I have come to depend on having him here. He makes me feel safe.

It's been two days since he told me of this decision and I still don't know what his exact plans are. I keep hoping he will change his mind, and I've made it clear to him that he is welcome here always, that as far as I'm concerned, this is his home. He came to see me for a bit tonight and he told me he loves me, and that I'm a good girlfriend...things he maybe takes for granted.

Are all relationships this difficult?

Saying Goodbye

My body has begun the achingly slow process of expelling my little one. When I'm not thinking about it, it feels much like the ordinary, annoying cramps I've experienced every month of my adult life; however, when I do think about what's happening inside me, it breaks my heart. I am losing this child and there is nothing I can do. And more than that, I have to experience every agonizing moment of it.

I've read a lot about miscarriage, and I know that I did nothing to cause this, and there was no way I could have prevented it. But I can't help but feel that somehow I did something wrong. I couldn't protect my baby.

I am sad. I've dealt with death before, but this feels different. Part of me wants to try again as soon as I can to get pregnant and another part of me never wants to risk this pain again.

Grieving

Today I found out that I'm losing my baby. I've known I was pregnant for 40 days and it's been somewhat dramatic, what with all the ultrasounds I've had. The doctor says it's what's called a "blighted ovum", which means that there was a fertilized egg and a gestational sac began to grow, but that the baby either stopped developing early, or never developed at all. I'm not experiencing any symptoms of miscarriage at this point, but apparently it's an inevitability.

Even though I never quite felt like this was really happening, now that it's over, I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I don't know how I'm going to go about business as usual when I feel like my life has been emptied. I wasn't always sure in the past that I even wanted children, but once there was one inside me, I discovered that it was all I wanted. I can't stop crying.

Christmas in September

Yesterday I was at Target with my sister, looking at the Halloween costumes. We turned a corner and suddenly we were in the midst of the first of two or three aisles which are already dedicated to Christmas decorations and cards. And today, I'm watching last year's Christmas in Rockefeller Center, which I had tivo'd back in December of 2008, but never took the time to watch before now.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, so I don't mind it when the stuff of the season begins to appear in stores this early. If you ask me, one month just isn't enough time to really experience all the beauty. While many people get annoyed with the commercialization of Christmas, I love the opportunity to bask in the Christmasy wonderfulness just a little bit longer.

It's funny, just a couple of days ago, my mom was asking me what my plans were for the holidays, and if Andrai and I had discussed it yet...my response was that it's way too early to be making plans. :)

For now...

There's a man on TV who lost both his legs in Vietnam, and suddenly none of my problems seem to hold much weight. I know troubles are relative, but it's still hard to complain about being confused in a new relationship when there are people out there who used to, but now no longer, have legs. So I won't complain. I'll just say some stuff.

As many of you have probably discovered, most of you a long time before I did, when you're in a serious relationship with someone, it's expected that you cut ties with those with whom you've previously been involved. I don't think I honestly believed I could hold onto a friendship with a past love, but for some reason I'm having a really hard time letting go of it. Eight years is a long time to invest in a man, only to say goodbye to him for good.

I guess the part that feels the worst for me is the not knowing what tomorrow holds for this new relationship. I'm letting go of so much of my past so that I can develop my present into a future...and I don't have any guarantees that my investment will pay off. But that's the big risk we take in life, isn't it? We don't get to know what will happen; we just have to do the best we can with the information at hand and hope for the best. What I do know is that I am with a man who loves me, and I love him more than I thought possible. He wants to take care of me and he appreciates what I do for him. That's pretty amazing.

I've spent a lot of time today thinking about the what-ifs...what if this doesn't last...what if he gets tired of me and the expectations of my love...what if he dies...and for now, I've come to the conclusion that the small certainties I have make all the unknown, well, something I can handle. At least that's how I feel tonight. :)

That's all for now...